You
by CarlaPeterLove
Summary: "I said I'd hurt you in the end didn't I?"
**_Because there is no way that Carla Connor is dense enough to believe that Tracy Barlow will actually be decent & keep her mouth shut._**

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Nick.

Where do I even begin?

You... You're different.

Something about you is different.

It's in the way you move, in the way that you don't walk so confidently anymore, it's almost as if you feel like you're not the man you thought you were.

I can see it in your eyes, there's a look of terror in them, one that tells me you are really frightened about something.

You also hold on tighter in the bedroom, I feel it in the way you cling onto me as we lay together and even though I love how close you want to be to me… I also know it means you're hiding something…

Something that you think it might mean you will lose me.

It pains me to know that you feel as if you can't talk to me about it.

Then again… who am I to talk about keeping secrets?

I have so many secrets.

Secrets that you don't know about and I hate to tell you about them this way but I know of no other.

There are so many things I need to say… want to say… have to say but I can't physically seem to do it.

The words refuse to leave my lips, I almost choke on them every time I try and speak to you about this and it's because I know the colossal damage that these words can do, which is why I'm writing them down instead.

How could you?

How could you have fallen for me?

I really wish that you had listened to me.

I wish you had run a mile when you had the chance.

I told you never to fall in love with me and yet, here we are… engaged to be married, tomorrow in fact.

I have tried to tell you this so many times. I nearly did but each time I got close something made me stop.

It was the thought of loosing you that did it, the thought of losing your touch, your kiss and your love.

I know you're going to think that I'm a right coward and I won't blame you for it either.

I guess I am scared.

Scared of losing you, scared of losing us.

I'm petrified of life without you.

This is all my fault.

When you got with me you trusted your heart instead of your head and I wish that I hadn't let you do such a thing because I've been there.

I've been in a situation where I let my heart rule my head.

I've been someone who ignored every single instinct that told her not to go somewhere with a certain someone else and well… we all know how that turned out don't we?

Everyone knows what happened to me and him, I mean they were all there when it came out after all, I can still remember how it felt to have all those prying eyes on me when I was in one of my darkest moments and all I know is that I have to spare you that feeling.

He once said to me that I'm scared of beautiful, that I'm scared of life going well because I feel like I don't deserve it.

That I'm scared of the truth rather than lies, that I prefer the dark rather than the light and you know what?

He was so right.

I am scared.

I'm scared for you.

I'm scared of the life that we are supposed to be leading soon... in Devon.

You keep talking about how nice it's going to be. How relaxing… peaceful… quiet but I'm sorry… that's just not me.

I can't move to Devon and I can't live in a cottage.

I mean come on... can you really imagine me sat in a cottage all day?

Be honest ere… you can't can you?

I really hate myself right now for doing this, especially in this way but when I tried it before you ended up changing my mind, You ended up talking me round and back into it and that just can't happen, I can't do this to you anymore.

I can't marry you tomorrow.

First of all believe me when I say that right now, I hate myself more than ever.

Out of all the low moments in my life I didn't actually think I could sink so low... but I have and there's no going back so I just have to be honest.

You must be so confused right now… I mean I was the one who proposed to you, moving away was all my idea and now I'm saying that I can't do it... any of it.

It's not because of you. Please know this Nick. You have done nothing wrong.

You have been utterly perfect.

I hate to say it and I know that this sounds horribly cliché but this… this is all because of me.

This isn't cold feet.

I'm not nervous about getting married again or anything trivial like that.

I'd marry you in a heartbeat if I knew that I could be the woman you think I am but… I can't.

I've tried, I really have, but it's exhausting pretending to be someone else.

Someone good… good for you.

I've spent far too long believing that maybe, just maybe we could make it but I am not good for you, that is a promise.

You may think that you're happy with me but in reality your "happiness" is based on a bed of lies.

If you knew the truth... when you read the truth, you won't be happy, you'll be devastated and you'll be disappointed but again... I have to be honest.

I can't leave you in the dark anymore.

You can't handle being with me… the real me.

The one who is destructive, the one who ruins everything she touches, the one who is royally messed up and there is absolutely nothing or no one that is going to be able to change.

I know you think that you've seen and heard the worst parts of me but you haven't, My god you haven't and I know that finding out about the things I've done will change you forever.

You don't deserve the pain that I'm about to inject to your life but I simply cannot live a lie any longer.

When you're fast asleep in bed next to me, I lay awake.

I stay awake for ages and all I think about is how much I wished I just stayed away from you or how much I should have just been honest about what I did from the start.

I shouldn't have left this so last minute.

I really really should have told you sooner and not on the eve of our wedding.

The reason why I am doing this now is because I can't trust Tracy Barlow to keep quiet a moment longer.

I think I've been living in a dream world, one where I thought me n you could live happily ever after.

I've been so fixated on this perfect life we were creating that I've been completely blind to the fact that Tracy won't hesitate to ruin absolutely everything.

I thought that moving away would keep us safe from her venom and that everything would be ideal but I've come to realise that if she doesn't ruin things, The guilt that eats away at me every day will.

I don't know how I ever thought that she'd actually be able to keep her mouth shut and as I write this I can picture it all now.

You, and me stood in the Bistro opposite each other making our vows tearfully and getting ready to spend the rest of our lives together.

Then the vicar will ask if anyone knows of any lawful impediment as to why we can't get married and that'll be it, she'll do it then.

She'll stand up and smugly tell the whole room what I did to you and I can't have that.

Not because I don't want people to know how truly despicable I am but because I can't have you humiliated in front of the entire wedding, in front of your family, our friends... it just can't happen.

I can't have your whole world turned upside down in front of a whole load of people, which is why I'm writing you this.

I cheated on you. It meant nothing, It was only once but it was enough.

Enough to make me realise that I do not deserve to even breathe the same air as you and enough to make me see that you can do so much better then a piece of damaged goods like me.

I'm ashamed to say that it doesn't stop there, That not only have I cheated on you… I've lied, schemed, I've done everything under the sun to make sure that you didn't find out about the horrible night I ruined what we have.

In all honestly I thought I was protecting you.

I thought keeping quiet would save you from an unimaginable amount of pain but now I know I was being foolish.

I thought… moving away would mean we'd be happy but I've come to realise that I can't make you happy… not properly.

I can't provide a truthful happiness at least and that's what you deserve, someone who will be truthful to you till the very end.

It happened just after Christmas… over the New Year in fact, after I found out about Johnny… I should have been more honest with you about how I was feeling but instead I did what I always do when shit gets rough.

I pressed the self-destruct button.

I'm guessing you want to know who I cheated on you with… and I owe it to you to be completely honest about things so…

It was Robert… yes… him.

The man you sold your beloved bistro to and yes... I had everything to do with that.

There's a very long and sordid story behind all of this but as I said, I thought I was protecting you.

It's no excuse, I realise that, just know that my love for you had me doing all sorts to make sure that I didn't hurt you.

I guess I shouldn't have bothered… you're hurting now aren't you?

I am so so sorry.

Tears are streaming down my face as I tell you all of this and you have to know that none of this is easy for me.

Breaking your sweet heart breaks mine.

Not only have I hurt you… I've hurt myself too.

I... I really wish… I had of told you sooner.

Maybe you would have forgiven me then, if I hadn't of lied and conned you out of the business you made so successful that is.

Not that it matters, No amount of wishing will make time go back.

All I can do is promise you that I will never ever get over this, I will carrying the burden of what I did to you and us for the rest of my life.

You may forgive me but I'll never forgive myself.

I still love you, desperately so, I really really do and who knows, Maybe you're sat thinking we could work this out but as I said before, I am not going to be any good for you.

I'm no good for no one.

I think I've worked out that I'm pretty much destined to a life alone, I mean after all the bad luck I've had with men, after all the times I've been betrayed… hurt, physically and emotionally, I found someone like you and what did I do?

I did the one thing I know you'd never do to me.

This is why I can't marry you because you deserve so much better than me.

You might not feel this right now but one day, you'll be glad I did this.

You'll be glad I didn't subject you to a life in Devon, away from your family and your friends, away from the people who know how to treat you right.

It was so selfish of me to agree to marry you in the first place because the entire time I was thinking about how happy you could make me and not about how miserable I will inevitably make you.

Even if you had of decided to give me another chance, eventually I will have messed up again because I always do don't I?

Believe me because I know exactly what I'm talking about.

After all, I said I'd hurt you in the end didn't I?

Carla.


End file.
